


First String Player

by social_reject



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-08
Updated: 2015-10-08
Packaged: 2018-04-25 09:16:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4954804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/social_reject/pseuds/social_reject
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"The only time I play people is on the field."</p><p>Luke Hemmings has entered the world of college and stepped onto the football field as a starting tight end. Ashton Irwin is a beloved quarterback, said to be wracking up as many points as relationships. Together, Luke and Ashton are the dream team; bringing their team to playoffs, chemistry on and off the field. After an arrangement, Luke quickly realizes he may have gotten more than he bargained for when the term "friends with benefits" enters their lives. With their coach's speech on courage at the playoff game, will either of the two have enough to admit their feelings?</p>
            </blockquote>





	First String Player

**Author's Note:**

> Oh my god, I'm so excited to post this. I've been working on it nonstop for quite a while. I really, really hope you enjoy reading it even half as much as I enjoyed writing it.  
> This is rated teen for some sexual content, swearing, and mentions of alcohol.

“Run it again!” The coach hollered from the sidelines, the football making its way back to the starting position of the play.

Luke hustled to the correct spot, his practice jersey already slick with sweat. All his focus went into running the play perfectly, his hands finding a home on the ball as he ran it into the end zone once the star quarterback passed it off.  The rest of the players were astounded with how easily Luke had become such an asset to their team, how a freshman could possibly be a starter.

“Alright, that was good, we’ll pick up tomorrow where we left off, hit the showers,” Coach Hanson ordered. 

Luke let out a breath of relief at the words, his muscles already a bit achey from the extended practice. Some of the defense had been fucking around during one of Coach’s speeches, earning the whole team a few extra laps and pushups as punishment. Luke couldn’t wait to get to the showers, the hot water usually a pretty quick fix to his sore muscles.

Soon enough he found himself under the spray of heat, his muscles instantly relaxing, his mind infinitely wandering. He couldn’t deny that college football was way more intense than he had thought upon being scouted. He felt that finally after so many years of living in the shadow casted upon him by his brothers achievements he’d finally found a place to shine. Sure his brothers were amazing athletes and intellects in their own rights, but Luke dominated football. The field was a home, the locker room familiar. He never felt more alive than when he was running the ball into the end zone.

Just as he finished up his shower and wiped himself down, his hair flat against his forehead from being damp, he pulled the curtain back to reveal the other players milling about. Some were half naked, clad only in towels around their waists, others had varying degrees of clothes on.

“Nice job out there ninety six,” a voice praised, and then stepped out from behind a bank of lockers.

Luke stared down at the compliment giver, receiving it whole heartedly. The star quarterback had just complimented him in only his underwear. Luke’s mind scrambled for words but couldn’t compose any, his tongue twisted in an attempt at articulation. Instead he nodded in acknowledgement and commenced to search around in his bag for nothing in particular, just so long as his eyes were averted from the intense hazel that seemed content to stare at him.

“We’ve never had a freshman starter before, other than me,” he continued. “I think coach really sees your potential.”

Luke’s cheeks heated at the words, he nodded once more and mustered up the courage to mutter out a weak, “Thanks.”

“No problem ninety six,” the quarterback said with a wink and rummaged around his own bag to pull out a pair of black jeans.

Luke’s focus went back to his own clothes, his bare chest the only thing left to be clothed. He pulled out his t shirt, slipped it on quickly and shouldered his bag. Before exiting the locker room completely he couldn’t help but overhear the start of a possible argument, his footsteps slowed in his ultimate nosiness.

“It’s just like a high five, but instead of receiving it with my hand it’s with my butt, or I’ll deliver it to someone else’s butt with my hand,” an obnoxious voice cut through. Luke recognized the voice from the defense line that was fucking around in the practice. He pegged it down to the boy with the blue hair, but couldn’t for the life of him think of a name to match the face.

“Your butt shouldn’t be receiving any hands to it. You’re taken remember? You damn football players and your tight pants,” a new voice threw Luke off. He wanted to laugh, but stayed silent as he pressed against the doorway in the small exit alcove, almost ready to leave.

“They’re not tight. It’s padding Cal, padding!” An outraged cry rang through the walls of the locker room.

“Whatever you say, babe,” came an immediate reply.

Luke was a bit baffled, a bit ready to laugh at the argument, and a lot ready to exit when he heard approaching footsteps. He launched himself out the door and set a pace to get to his dorm building, but a voice had him stopping and stalling.

“Wait up ninety six!”

Luke turned to identify the quarterback jogging to catch up to him. Once he got there Luke stood still, unsure what the guy wanted with him.

“You forgot a cleat in there Cinderella,” he said with a smile, the filthy cleat held out in his hand for Luke to take.

“Oh, thanks,” he quickly said grabbing for the cleat to stuff it back into his bag where it should’ve been all along. Luke’s hand then made its way to the back of his neck where he rubbed nervously, the presence of such a great player a bit intimidating.

But as Luke looked at the athlete more and more the curtain was dropped, intimidation wasn’t the best descriptor for the man. He had such deep dimples, such an easy smile, perfectly disarrayed curls, and glowing skin that Luke found it hard to ever think of him as intimidating unless a helmet was on his head and a football in his hand.

“But uh- you can just call me Luke from now on. Not ninety six or Cinderella. Just Luke,” he explained a bit boldly once his nerves were calmed.

“Well alright then,” the man giggled and continued to introduce himself. “I’m Ashton, it’s nice to formally meet you, Just Luke.”

“Oh my god, that was such a bad joke,” the obnoxious voice broke through Luke’s desire to giggle at the ‘bad’ joke. Luke’s memory proved him right, the voice matched the face, the very pale face with the tiny scar above the eyebrow, green eyes and blue hair covering his forehead.

“Shut it Michael,” Ashton quickly spat with a joking shove to the shoulder. “I’m hilarious and you know it.”

“Hilarious for a grandpa, maybe,” Michael allowed.

Luke shook his head at his teammates, unsure what to do; walk away unnoticed or continue to sort of solicit on their conversation. His mind was made up when Ashton spun back around to face him with a grin, he definitely wasn’t going anywhere unnoticed just yet.

“Oh come on, that’s what people know me for right? My hilarity?” Ashton asked Luke who raised his eyebrows, wanting to take his side but also not wanting to lie.

The only things Luke had ever heard about the infamous Ashton was that he was one of the best quarterbacks the school had ever seen. He was a shoe in to be drafted professionally, the clock just ticking down until it happened.

“I’ve heard around campus that you’re quite the player,” Luke supplied with a shrug, keeping honesty in his statement.

“I do my best on the field if that's what you’re insinuating?” Ashton asked, the innuendo of the words passing over Luke.

“Oh that’s not what he meant and you know it, you always get the ladies,” Michael jeered. The words said with more purpose than Luke would realize.

Ashton’s face dropped as he replied, “The only time I play people is on the field, unlike you.”

Luke bit back a laugh as Michael scrambled for a comeback, “I’m committed and you know it. I’m pretty sure Cal has got me whipped, I’m not even going to slap asses in congratulations anymore.”

“Cal?” Luke cut in, not able to suppress his curiosity.

“Calum Hood. The teams biggest fan, or to be more specific, Michael Clifford’s biggest fan. Almost like a team mascot if you will. Always lurking around in the locker room. Always wearing a jersey.”

 _Calum_. Luke understood the implications that went behind the name and connected the dots to the other voice in the locker room. Slowly he realized what that meant.

“Oh so you’re-“

“In love? Yeah. And no one has a problem with it on the team. Including you, right?” Michael asked, a glower in his eyes as if protecting Calum who wasn’t even there.

“No problems, at all,” Luke managed to squeak out. If he had been a bit bolder and a hell of a lot more brave he may have confessed his own little secret to Michael in the heat of the moment, but he kept that deep within him.

“Oh relax Michael, you’re all snark no bite,” Ashton said with a dubious look to Michael. “Don’t ever fear him. He may seem intimidating but under the rough exterior and fighting words is a little kitten trying to claw its way out.”

“That’s good to know,” Luke said around a laugh as Michael flipped off Ashton and rolled his eyes before taking off.

“And if he ever gets out of line, just let me know,” Ashton said lowly, taking a few steps closer to Luke.

“Okay, and I-I really did mean your football playing. Nothing more. Just that you’re a great quarterback.”

Ashton smiled, more radiant than the sun shining above them, more lovely than the flowers lining the side of the road. Luke could feel the pull he already had to Ashton, the attraction that was literally dragging him along. Ashton flung a casual arm over Luke’s shoulder and began walking.

“I’ll walk you back to your dorm. What building are you in?”

“Bakers,” Luke answered, Ashton immediately brightening.

“That’s right next to mine, I should have figured you’d be in the freshman dorm.”

The smile that lit up Ashton’s face upon hearing he was living next to Luke made Luke’s heart flutter, their proximity somehow making the older man happy. Ashton stalled for a moment, words lingering on his lips as he thought. Luke waited, watching as Ashton’s lips quivered once and then finally he spoke.

“Are you planning on rushing any frats?”

“I hadn’t thought of it,” Luke answered immediately.

He knew that frats were usually where sports players ended up, but didn’t care too much for the scene that went along with them. He’d always heard horror stories of hazing and the likes, he’d heard almost nothing positive of being in a frat other than ‘brotherhood’. And while that was all well and good, he was already feeling at home on the football team, especially with Ashton’s toned arm thrown around his shoulder.

“Good, that’s good,” Ashton mumbled and began walking again, a far off look in his eyes.

“You don’t like frats?” Luke inquired carefully, just in case Ashton actually had a resentment towards them for some reason.

“They just don’t have the best execution here. It’s like a failed play,” Ashton sidestepped the question.

Luke sensed he shouldn’t press the issue, something in the way Ashton said the words sending a shiver down his back. _A failed play._ Whatever that meant to Ashton, it certainly didn’t sound appealing to Luke. He hated failed plays.

The rest of the walk to the dorm was silent save for the occasional hello from people they passed. Luke could tell Ashton was well liked by the time they had gotten to the dorm doors and into the lobby. At least ten people had acknowledged Ashton on their walk, all smiles accompanying it.

“I guess this is your stop,” Ashton said as his arm lost contact with Luke’s shoulder, cold air running over it, leaving him feeling alone.

“I guess so,” Luke amended as he looked to the floor.

“I’ll see you at practice tomorrow, yeah?”

Luke immediately brightened at the prospect, “Yeah!”

Ashton giggled at the uncontained excitement in Luke’s voice and bid him farewell with a wave, stepping out of the front lobby.

*

The rest of training week was a lot of trial and error for Luke on and off the field. He didn’t have classes yet but preseason was definitely taking its toll, comparatively nothing to that of preseason in high school. If double sessions didn’t kill him, he was sure he could survive anything. Coach Hanson had gone from coach to dictator in a matter of days, drilling the boys relentlessly, plays able to be executed in their sleep.

Ashton had taken Luke under his wing, showing him the ins and outs of the school, his two years’ experience a major help, preparing him for the professors he was going to have to endure during regular season, the majority of their spare time spent together. Luke couldn’t deny just how much he truly liked Ashton and Ashton wasn’t about to deny his fondness over Luke either. The team had picked up on their friendship, the other players warming to Luke quicker than he thought they would solely because Ashton thought he was cool.

Double sessions had officially ended, the start of the first preseason game just around the corner. Luke lay in his bunk, opting for a single room with no roommate so he could focus on his studies to keep his place on the team. As he lay there, his arms behind his head, his thoughts drifting, a smile tugged its way onto his face, a swirl of feelings attacking him. He’d never in his life felt so comfortable in his own skin, so ready to take on the world, yet somehow not completely there. He knew he wasn’t being one hundred percent honest with the team, but that side of him wasn’t why he was on the team. It had absolutely nothing to do with football and would not affect anything in that realm. Or, that’s what he kept telling himself.

Somewhere in the midst of his thoughts he had ventured into slumber, his mind slipping into the comforting darkness that sleep had to offer. All of his adrenaline for the approaching game had melted away as he bled through sleep into the night, only waking when his text tone startled him. He reached for the phone automatically, the device in his clutches before he even realized he’d woken up. He squinted past the intruding light the phone emanated, and read the notification. Ashton had texted him.

Ash: Meet before the game?

Luke didn’t hesitate in unlocking his phone to type out a reply. One word later and a little swoosh in verification that the text had sent and Ashton had replied just as fast.

Luke: Where?

Ash: Lundor Library.

Luke mapped out the distance in his mind, calculated how long it would take for him to get dressed and all of his things together, and then replied.

Luke: Be there in thirty.

Ashton replied with his own verification and Luke set off to pull himself together. Butterflies fluttered in his stomach, alone time with Ashton one of Luke’s favorite things. He got along well with the rest of the team but he and Ashton just sort of clicked. After pulling on his clothes and gathering his things into his athletic bag, not sure how long Ashton had in mind for their little pregame escapade.

Exactly twenty five minutes after sending the text Luke strolled up to the steps of the library, Ashton sitting on the stone railing, his feet dangling off the edge, an easy smile on his face as Luke neared. Luke waved out a hand in greeting, Ashton reciprocating with his own wave, his smile never faltering as he jumped to the ground, his landing as graceful as his actions on the field.

“There you are,” Ashton said as Luke approached him for a hug, one arm thrown around the shorter man’s shoulders, the other still gripping the strap of his bag. Hugging Ashton upon greeting was instinct by that time, nothing feeling quite so right than that.

“Even earlier than what I said I’d be,” Luke replied, noting how Ashton was always just a few minutes earlier, for whatever reason. No matter how hard Luke tried to be earliest, Ashton was always there just before him.

“I see that,” Ashton responded as he pulled away from the hug, already content to walk over to some of the stone benches that lined the doorway of the library.

Luke loved the library, the brick building standing tall, the oldest building the college campus had, unlimited sources of knowledge available inside. Not only was the outside built with integrity and character so long ago, the inside was a sculpted piece of art. Bookshelves lined every wall, floor to ceiling, ladders on wheels perfect for reaching any book. Stained glass windows casted colorful shadows on the study cradles, student art work claiming any space it could.

“So, why the library?” Luke asked finally, cutting into the moment of silence that had surrounded them.

It was different with Ashton, silence didn’t bother Luke to much when it was accompanied by him. It just gave Luke more time to soak up Ashton’s presence, to scan him, to feel things without interruption.

“It’s quiet,” Ashton answered without thought, almost as if he knew Luke was going to ask. After another stretch of silence Ashton expanded his answer. “Even when it’s filled with people, it’s just quiet. Serene. A place to really think.”

“You know for a quarterback you’re quite philosophical,” Luke joked, earning a small snort from the other man.

“And for a tight end you’re quite funny,” Ashton fired back with light words, no harm no foul. “I’m actually a philosophy major.”

“Really?” Luke asked, amazed at the coincidence.

“No,” Ashton laughed back, his curls falling in his face as he chuckled deeply, Luke’s naivety apparently hilarious to him. “I’m a broadcast journalism major, even if I can’t play the game professionally, I’d hope to still be involved somehow.”

“I could see you as an announcer,” Luke replied, Ashton’s usual smile widening with pride.

“And how about you ninety six? Any back up plans if the dream should plummet?”

The words were heavy, but they were said with nothing but genuine curiosity, Luke was well aware, just as Ashton was, the slim chances of making it to the big times. The demands of players were nearly unattainable, only a chosen few ever seeing the draft up close and personal. Luke of course, had accounted for that, choosing a major that he loved just as much as the game.

“I’m studying early childhood education,” Luke answered.

Ashton didn’t reply immediately, just sat there, looking at Luke, a smile still in place. Luke’s stomach fluttered just a bit, the palms of his hands gone sweaty. The longer Ashton stared, the more intensely Luke’s stomach fluttered, he loved being on the receiving end of Ashton’s smiles. There was just something so infectious about it, Luke was convinced Ashton’s smile could end wars.

“Why?” Ashton finally asked, the one word catching Luke off guard.

Nobody had ever really questioned Luke’s motives for the career choice. Ashton’s interest in Luke’s decision was refreshing. Mainly when Luke told people about his backup plan they would either tease him or write it off as ridiculous, he was supposed to be an athlete.

“Well, I love kids, I love learning and teaching, it just seemed like a natural means to an end.”

They launched into a conversation all about the future, where they wanted be, where they thought they could end up, how they were going to get there. Everything felt right in that moment, discussing the future with Ashton, watching the hazel of his eyes sparkle at the mention of it all. Contentedly they carried on the conversation until it was time to leave for the game, Luke thankful he had packed his things so they could just head right off to the field.

Coach had a speech prepared for the first preseason game, the locker room’s atmosphere thick with anticipation. Luke couldn’t wait to take the field, his starting position super glorified for a freshman. He could almost hear the crowd in his mind, visualize the plays he was supposed to run. He and Ashton had talked a lot of strategy in their spare time, amongst the more personal and intimate conversations they had delved into.

“Now, who’s ready to get out there and kick some ass?” Coach Hanson hollered, the team roaring with excitement.

Preseason wasn’t super important in the spectrum of the game but it definitely had a hand in determining the best teams for the season. And, to make more of an impact, they were facing off against their rival school. There was no other team out there more determined to beat them than Luke’s. Harsh words had been exchanged in the locker room about said team, the whole attitude of the other players intense. To Luke this seemed to go well beyond friendly competition, and while that was exciting it was also a bit daunting. He just didn’t want to screw up.

They took the field, their team song playing as they ran onto the field amongst the announcer’s voice and the cheers from the fans. Luke was pumped with adrenaline, as he could tell the rest of the team was as well. Ashton was super excited and bouncing on the balls of his feet, Michael waving animatedly to Calum who was on the first row of bleachers, wearing Michael’s jersey number on a t shirt.

They declined to the have the ball starting the first quarter, they’d be handed it beginning of the third quarter. The first drive was stopped by an interception from Michael, Ashton and Luke taking the field, calling out plays that Luke was to follow, the rest of the team anticipating every move. They moved up into the opposing team’s territory, with only thirty yards left. The snap went off, Ashton looked for the play, threw the ball right into Luke’s grasp, Luke then taking off, narrowly dodging oncoming defenses, managing to slip right past them. With five yards left he was in the clear, his speed picked up until he hit the end zone, celebration for the touchdown immediate.

Ashton caught up to him after he spiked the ball down, the crowd’s cheers thunderous around him. Luke and Ashton bumped helmets as usual, a show of affection and a job well done on both sides. The rest of the team celebrated around them, helmets bumping, asses slapped. They’d made their first touchdown with only three attempts. Positions were lined up for the field goal, the kicker aiming it perfectly centered through the posts. The score board flickering to 7 to 0. The crowd was alive, the home team’s fans going insane.

When their team switched to defense Luke and Ashton sat on the bench on the sidelines, their helmets discarded as they greedily drank from their water bottles. Luke couldn’t deny how amazing he felt, how excited he was to be playing the game. In a blur he was back on the field after defending off the other team to not score. He spent his time blocking as they had a long drive up the field, gaining yards slowly but surely. It was now first and goal, Luke sure Ashton was going to pass it off to him, his running route already mapped out in his mind.

The snap happened, his feet took off, his arms outstretched for the incoming ball, it brushed his fingertips as he grappled for it, ultimately catching it in the end zone. The kicker scoring another field goal for them, the score now 14 to 0. The rest of the game played out well, Luke caught another touchdown, and two were run in from other players, a total shut out for their opponents, they didn’t let them score once. The final score lit up the score board as the fans cheered, 35 to 0.

The team took to the locker room after the game, their sweat soaked bodies slumping onto benches as Coach Hanson congratulated them, high fives and chest bumps being passed around by the players who were content to stand. By the time Coach Hanson had fled the locker room, Luke was showering and still reveling in the feeling of their victory. He didn’t care that it was just a preseason game, it had been a shutout, he and Ashton together had scored more than half the points.

He let the hot water cascade down his body, daydreams of winning the Superbowl holding steady in his thoughts, amongst other certain things, or rather, certain people. Luke didn’t know how long he’d spent in the shower but by the time he got out the locker room was nearly empty, save for a few defensive players lingering. He headed back to his dorm room, excited for the next game, and totally ecstatic about starting the season.

*

Luke had done it again, gotten lost in his own mind as hot water poured over him. His muscles thanked him for the time spent after exerting a lot of himself for their last preseason game. They’d won, by the skins of their teeth in the last quarter. Ashton had looked defeated the last time they took the ball, as if he’d already accepted his fate. But the world of football had other ideas in mind, they’d made it to the forty yard line, in the others territory with twenty seconds to spare. The snap had gone off, Ashton had desperately thrown the ball away as it seemed he was going to get sacked.

Luke had been on the receiving end of the ball, his route to the end zone miraculously cleared, he’d been able to run the ball in, effectively scoring them a touchdown and the winning points of the game just as the time ran out. Ashton had been elated when he ran up to Luke, his arms wrapping around his shoulders, the face masks of their helmets crashing together, their hands flailing about each other’s bodies without synchronization as they smiled broadly.

Luke had finally secured a towel around his waist, pulling the plastic curtain of the shower stall back, revealing only Ashton left behind by a bank of lockers. Luke stood and smiled for a moment as Ashton tugged his shirt on, a tight fit over his arm muscles. A funny feeling stirred in his stomach as he watched Ashton flex his back, effectively stretching out the t shirt a bit.

“You done in there yet, Luke?” Ashton asked as he turned around, coming face to face with Luke who still only stood in his towel.

“Just finished,” Luke said nonchalantly as he walked over to his locker, his bag locked away as it held his wallet and phone.

“I was starting to think you may have drowned in there,” Ashton joked as he sat on the bench to put on his socks.

“Very funny,” Luke responded as he pulled out his underwear, dropping the towel, unusually not embarrassed by the exposure.

Luke was sure if it had been anybody other than Ashton he would have escaped into a stall to change, modesty and embarrassment holding both of his hands respectively when it came to changing in front of people. With Ashton though, Luke felt more comfortable. Not to say that he didn’t rush to get his clothes on, but it was a big step away from when he would change in high school.

“Well I am known for my hilarity,” Ashton reminded making Luke smirk and roll his eyes.

“Yeah, you’re down right hysterical,” Luke quipped amongst Ashton’s sounds of protest.

“I’m not just a quarterback you know, I could definitely be a comedian,” Ashton said as he threw his jersey at Luke’s bare back.

Luke turned once his jeans were zipped up, picking up the jersey that had slid off his back and onto the tiled floor. He clutched it in his hands as he thought it over, should he continue to tease Ashton, or let him have his shining moment of comedy?

“You can be whatever you want to be,” Luke amended, mostly just wanting to see the smile that lit up Ashton’s face as a follow up to the words.

With a chuckle Ashton replied, “You sound like my mom.”

At that, Luke laughed, “You take that back mister.”

 “What are you going to do about it?” Ashton asked taking a few steps closer, a stupid grin planted on his face.

Luke narrowed his eyes, shook his head and stared Ashton down. He tossed Ashton’s jersey back at him with a quirk of his lip and ended up just shaking his head in response. He slid his shirt on finally, breaking the eye contact they both seemed content to hold. Ashton hummed slightly as he went back to getting his shoes on, their silly tiff forgotten about.

As they walked out of the locker room side by side, their bags thrown over their shoulders, the conversation light, Luke couldn’t help but backtrack. It was undeniable the way he felt when Ashton had neared him, how weird and yet right it was. He always knew he liked Ashton, but there was just no way that he could _like_ Ashton. There must be something in the rulebook on not getting crushes on your fellow players.

While the feelings were delightful and being around Ashton always had Luke feeling twelve thousand times better than usual, he repressed the feelings, writing them off as trivial. It didn’t matter how he felt, it would never amount to anything anyway. Ashton always got the ladies. _Ladies._ Not Luke.

*

Luke took the field, the crowds cheers multiplied to that of the first preseason game, this was astronomically better. It was the actual season opener, not a seat left unfilled, the crowd amping up the players. Playing a home game for the season opener was nothing but advantageous, the atmosphere around them was welcoming, the cheers were encouraging, and the field was familiar. The game was easily won, a score of 34 to 7 the final outcome. Luke had scored the final touchdown, the whole team enthralled in the win, chants escorting them all the way back to the locker room.

“Party at Thompsons!” Michael scream announced, his loud voice carrying throughout the locker room, all the players letting out audible whoops of acknowledgement.

Before even getting his cleats off Ashton was by his side, sitting on the bench next to him.

“You going tonight?”

“To Thompsons?” Luke asked, pretty sure that’s what he meant, but not wanting to make a fool of himself should he be wrong.

“Yeah, heard it’s going to be enormous,” Ashton commented, working at the laces of his cleats.

Luke thought it over for a moment as he untied his own shoes. A list of pros and cons compiled itself in his mind. If Ashton was going, that’d be a major pro. Party scenes weren’t his favorite things, so that’d be a con. Celebrating the win would be a pro, but the drunken party goers would be a con.

“Are you going?” Luke finally asked, not cementing an answer down until he found out if the pros outweighed the cons.

“I’m thinking about it,” Ashton replied, finally tugging his cleats off and throwing them into his open bag. “I’ll go if you go.”

It’s as if Ashton had spoken the words that Luke wanted to, he just wasn’t brave enough. Luke smiled and nodded.

“We can go together.”

Maybe that wasn’t the correct choice of wording, immediately Luke’s heart rate quickened, his stomach turning as he thought of how it may have come off. And it was all instantly washed away when Ashton grinned and nodded, a sparkle in his eyes.

“Yeah, sounds good.”

From somewhere in the back of the lower room came a deafening snap and slap, followed immediately by, “God dammit Michael!”

“Michael and that fucking towel,” Ashton laughed, mimicking the motions of snapping the towel.

“It’s like a lethal weapon in his hands,” Luke said, remembering his witness to the violence. Michael and the other defensive players notorious for snapping towels.

Ashton agreed and strutted over to one of the shower stalls, pulling the curtain open and stepping inside, shortly after throwing his clothes over the shower rod. Luke had to mentally pull himself out of his reverie of imagining Ashton’s toned muscles all soaped up, the mental image totally pleasing. Again, he had to block those thoughts and feelings out, glad he had an escape route to his own shower stall.

*

Music thumped around them, bass blaring on the electronic dance song that filled the frat house. Luke vaguely remembered Ashton’s words about frats, his warning to not join. He’d never ended up following up those words with a question, figuring Ashton would tell him on his own time if it were important enough. Eventually Luke had just brushed it off, figuring it was just a general warning of what frats were capable of.

Luke spotted Ashton struggling his way through the crowd, two drinks in his hands, the liquids inevitably splashing up against the rims of the cups with every bump from the crowd. Once Ashton reached Luke with a half empty cup and a look of defeat Luke laughed and thanked him nonetheless. Admittedly, parties weren’t Luke’s favorite things in the world, but he found himself having a good time with Ashton. They’d people watched, laughed, even danced a bit, some pretty rank dance moves, but dancing nonetheless.

When the crowd became too intense for Luke, with barely enough room to let breath out, Ashton had a contingency plan already in mind. He gestured for Luke to follow him with a hand, lending it out to him so he could grab it and not get lost in the crowd. Luke was thankful for the kind gesture, failing to highlight on the intensity of feelings that shrouded around him from just a hand grab. Ashton led him out of the main part of the house, the crowd thinning as they made their way into the backyard.

The backyard was small, a few lawn chairs claiming most of the space. The noises had died down from the distance, Luke feeling much better with some fresh air to breathe. He was about to let go of Ashton’s hand but ultimately didn’t when it seemed Ashton had farther to go. At the edge of the lawn sat the entrance to a trail, surrounded by trees and outdoor lights rooted into the ground. A lit path led the way to a small broken down gazebo, enough room for the two of them to sit.

“How’d you know about this?” Luke asked as he took a seat, not enough room for them to not be touching.

Their thighs brushed against each other, their shoulders bumped, if Luke turned his face he’s sure his lips would come in contact with some part of Ashton. Ashton sighed and geared himself up to explain to Luke.

“I rushed this frat my freshman year, I’d come out here when I couldn’t stand being inside anymore.”

“What was so bad about it?” Luke gently asked.

“It was nothing. Don’t worry about it,” Ashton immediately said, putting up more defenses than the team had players.

Luke approached the subject carefully, not wanting to overstep but wanting Ashton to know he _could_ talk to him about it, if he so desired, “It’s not nothing if it bothers you.”

Ashton gave him a small look, practically unreadable, but his other body language was perfectly clear. His muscles had tensed, his shoulders had stiffened. It seemed to Luke he didn’t want to speak about it.

“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to though.”

“That’s the thing really. It happened because I did talk,” Ashton said vaguely, staring out at the tree line.

Luke left a barrier of silence between them. Sometimes the best way to ask questions was to not. If Ashton wanted to further explain, the silence left a great opening for him.

“I opened myself up to someone, a freshman who was also rushing. It just- It didn’t end well.”

Thoughts entered Luke’s mind, doubts, fears, intruding through his head and making his stomach turn. Ashton had been pretty open with Luke, or so he thought. Was Ashton comfortable telling Luke things? Was he uncomfortable? He wouldn’t have said things if he didn’t want to. Luke’s mind whirled a million miles an hour, relentlessly begging for him to say something, to ask something, do something that would put his nerves at ease.

“I wouldn’t do anything-“

Before all of the words could come out that hadn’t really been planned Ashton stopped him, “I know, I know. You’re not him. You’re not _them._ ”

While Luke was curious at who they were, he didn’t press. He was just happy Ashton had opened another chapter to him. He didn’t need to read it all in one sitting.

“Whatever it was, it’s not happening now is it?”

That was the main concern on Luke’s mind. If something had bothered Ashton in the past, he didn’t want it to be affecting him then and there. In retrospect it seemed kind of silly that he would ask, Ashton was after all sitting in the backyard of the frat where it all happened, whatever it may have been. It must not be ongoing, Luke figured.

“No. No it’s over,” Ashton said confidently, his whole demeanor changing. His shoulders relaxed, glancing back into the touch of Luke’s.

“Then don’t dwell on the past, live in the moment,” Luke said, his fingers absentmindedly running over Ashton’s hand. Neither of them paid much mind to it, as if it were habit, something natural.

Ashton turned to look at Luke, biting at his lip through a smirk, “That is so cheesy.”

“You’re known for your hilarity, I’m known for my inspirational life quotes,” Luke chided earning a rumble of a laugh from Ashton.

“You’d definitely be that teacher that goes off on tangents about life, trying to inspire five year olds to chase their dreams,” Ashton giggled.

Luke beamed at the thought, more so at the fact that Ashton was picturing it anyway. He couldn’t deny the truth in it. He’d spent a solid hour trying to convince one of his six year old cousins to not give up on learning the guitar.

Luke didn’t have a rebuke, he just turned, his face mere centimeters from Ashton’s own, who had turned as well, their noses were almost pressed together, only the breeze able to slip past them. Momentarily Luke was lost, his mind hazy as his eyes traced over every inch of Ashton’s face, starting at his forehead, working down to the captivating hazel, onto the shapely nose, the craterous dimples next to his beautiful lips.

Unconsciously Luke found himself minutely moving forward, he and Ashton were magnets, the closer one got, the closer the other got, pulled together by an invisible attraction. Suddenly, all at once, their lips were pressed together whisperingly soft, for a fraction of a second, then all at once they found their rhythm. Luke’s hands tangled in Ashton’s hair, Ashton’s venturing to Luke’s waist. In a split second Luke’s mind pulled from its haze, shrill warning bells screaming at him. He pulled away, stumbling out of the gazebo, leaving behind a very confused Ashton.

*

In his bed that night, Luke tossed and turned relentlessly, unable to put his shouting mind to rest. He fucked up, utterly and royally fucked up. He wasn’t supposed to have a crush on his teammate and yet he hadn’t been able to stop that, he _really_ wasn’t supposed to kiss his teammate, yet he’d gone and done that. Ashton had texted him around an hour after the incident that Luke refused to think about anymore, though inevitably it was all he thought about.

Ashton’s text struck fear through Luke, a simple question mark more daunting than any test he’d taken. How was he supposed to reply to that? Somehow, “sorry I kissed you teammate bro dude, I didn’t mean to” didn’t really sound right, or honest. All night he dreaded the next day, well into the waking hours of the morning he had been hounding himself mentally, unable to put the event or himself to bed.

He dragged through his classes, his eight o’ clock one nearly knocking him off his feet. He’d opted for a coffee that morning instead of chocolate milk, needing the caffeine. Calum, who had ended up being in two of his classes had pointed out his appearance, how he could totally tell the lack of sleep. Luke hadn’t even bothered showering that morning, fearing the warm water would lull him into crawling back into bed and missing his classes. He’d thrown a beanie on, smelled a shirt to make sure it was clean enough and kept on his sweat pants from the previous night.

“You look like you’ve been hit by a truck,” Calum commented when Luke took his seat at his noon class.

“I feel like it too,” Luke replied.

Physically he was fine, except for the fatigue, but his insides were frayed. He’d worked himself up so much that he didn’t know what to feel anymore; fear, anxiety, stupidity, they all seemed to be assaulting him resulting in a dreadful feeling of nothing. There were too many emotions trying to stir in him, one unable to be dominant, even his feelings didn’t know how to feel anymore.

“Party a little too hard last night?” Calum asked with a joking nudge.

Luke shook his head ‘no’ tiredly, unable to form words. His elbow landed on his desk, propping up his head, cheek on his hand, his tired eyes droopy. He was damn thankful they didn’t have a game, just practice, but knew he would be dragging ass through it. Not to mention the fact that he would have to come face to face with the stirrer of feelings himself; Ashton.

“Then what happened?”

“Couldn’t sleep,” Luke grumbled, the professor finally entering the class, giving excuse for Luke to be silent.

The class went on, Calum instantly silencing himself. The words of the professor were lost to Luke, the sounds turning into nothing but background noise as his mind drifted in a state between consciousness and sleep. Everything was turning white, the noise, his vision, even his feelings had started to slip away from him by the time Calum was shaking his shoulders to pull him out of his reverie.

“Dude, it’s time to go,” Calum’s voice finally broke through.

On the walk back to his dorm, Luke had asked Calum what he missed, the older offering to let him borrow his notes. Luke thanked him and bid him farewell, hoping to catch a little bit of sleep before practice. He knew if he couldn’t, he’d be crawling through his plays.

As soon as his head hit the pillow he slept, uneasily, and filled with stress dreams, but he slept nonetheless, only his alarm on his phone waking him for practice. He was filled with anxiety as he approached the field, Ashton stood back to him, listening to Michael jabber on about something probably meaningless.

Luke tried his best to avoid Ashton during practice over the next week, it was hard, knowing their positions depended on each other so solely, but he managed to cut down the time. He’d chosen to shower in his dorm building instead of the locker room like usual, avoiding eye contact each time Ashton passed him, the awkwardness tangible. Even Michael, who was inept at picking up on social clues, had felt the weirdness, stating something was off, thinking it was just about football.

The whole situation showed on and off the field, their whole play chemistry thrown off, Luke unable to catch even the easiest of passes from Ashton, Ashton seemingly only throwing the ball to Luke as a last resort. Coach had picked up on it, given them glares, failed at articulating whatever it was he wanted to say about it, instead settling for harrumphs and disapproving looks.

Luke was gutted about the whole situation, not knowing where to turn, Ashton had quickly become his primary shoulder to lean on. Game day crept up on him, through the restless sleeps and awkwardness. As they took the field he wasn’t filled with adrenaline like usual, the crowd’s cheers didn’t reach him through the screaming thoughts of blame. He knew, that if they lost the game, he wouldn’t be able to blame anyone but himself. He was a master of creating his own misery.

He should have responded back to Ashton that night, brushed it off, denied, denied, denied. Maybe then, while he was setting into position, his route wouldn’t have slipped away from him. He fumbled around for the first quarter, not able to keep his mind straight, let alone coordinate his feet and hands with his mind. The team’s defense took the field at the start of the second quarter, Luke leaning over on his bench seat, his hands tangling into his hair as his elbows rested on his knees.

“Shake it off, Hemmings,” Coach Hanson ordered, his clipboard containing plays tight in his grasp.

Luke could tell Coach was frustrated, his knuckles bone white in his clutch, his face contorting to try and mask the frustration. There were no excuses for how they were playing, fumbles, getting intercepted, Ashton getting sacked for lack of throwing the ball. Luke shook his head, falling from his grip and immediately shooting up to look at the field. They were losing, 0 to 14, and it looked to Luke that they were about to be down another 7.

Once the other team had in fact scored another touchdown and field goal, Luke got his helmet situated, about to run out to the field when Ashton stopped him momentarily.

“We’re good, whatever happened or happens, we’re good.”

Luke internally relaxed at those words, at the way Ashton’s eyes held honesty. He was so grateful Ashton had been the braver of the two, speaking the words Luke needed to hear. He took the field again, newfound confidence surging through him. He played the rest of the game, he and Ashton slowly getting back their synchronization, executing plays flawlessly by the third quarter, unstoppably by the fourth. They’d come back, the crowd was rampant, the home team losing by three.

By the time they took to the locker rooms, the bus waiting to bring them back to campus, Luke and Ashton were on speaking terms. They didn’t have time to linger in the locker room like they did at home games. They hurriedly showered and changed, heading back to the bus, instead of sitting respectively in the front and the back, Luke and Ashton shared a seat. The bus lights dimmed, most player’s content to have their earphones in or had already fallen asleep by the time they hit the interstate.

Silence had fallen upon Luke and Ashton, not their usual comfortable silence but not so unmanageable that it was strangling. Luke turned his face to see Ashton staring at him, his eyes a tad bit glossed over. Luke went to look away but Ashton’s voice brought him back.

“Look about the party,” he began, Luke’s heart immediately picking up speed, the back of his neck heating up nervously. “It’s just, I think, I think we were just in the..”

“Heat of the moment?” Luke finished off, desperately wishing the conversation to be over. It was calming to know Ashton didn’t think it was all Luke’s fault, the word _we_ implying much more.  Even though he knew the words were a lie, at least to him. “Caught up-“

“In the feeling, it didn’t-“

“Mean anything.” _Lies._

“So we really are-“

“Good.” _Lying._

“Good,” Ashton finished off, shaking his head thoughtfully, his caramel curls falling in his face, Luke resisting the urge to stroke them away.

The next twenty minutes of the ride Luke’s thoughts kept him consumed, he knew he was lying, but also knew for Ashton’s sake he shouldn’t say anything more. They’d finally smoothed things over, he wasn’t going to be the one to take a bulldozer to the pavement. He was happy, more than happy, ecstatic really, to have Ashton as part of his life in any shape or form. Right now though, that meant being friends. The way things used to be. He could be okay with that. He had to be okay with that.

“It’s not to say that it wasn’t nice,” Ashton broke the silence, looking away sheepishly.

Luke’s mind couldn’t process the words, he was having such a hard time believing he’d heard them, “You mean… what happened?” He couldn’t even say the words out loud, in fear that someone might overhear them.

“Yeah,” Ashton replied simply, not looking back at Luke, the one word left to hang in the air between them.

“I thought so too,” Luke admitted shyly, Ashton turning back with a broad smile, uplifting some of Luke’s shyness.

“I mean, I wouldn’t be opposed to doing it again,” Ashton said.

Luke was taken aback, this was news to him. He’d never thought Ashton liked him that way- or whatever way he might be insinuating with the words. He didn’t know what happened to all those ladies he got, according to Michael, but briefly didn’t care. Luke swallowed a forming lump in his throat and licked at his lips, his eyes flickering around the bus. His palms were sweaty, he couldn’t keep up with Ashton. One moment they were friends, who had shared a kiss that meant nothing, the next Ashton wanted to do it again.

Something clicked in Luke, his mind finally snapping to, “You mean as friends?”

Ashton’s face faltered a bit but he made a quick recovery, “Yeah, friends.”

“So you mean, like, friends with benefits?” Luke quickly asked in a whisper.

“If that’s what you want,” Ashton concluded, his tone dropped a bit, layered ever so lightly with disappointment that Luke wouldn’t pick up on until later.

The thought of refusing what was offered, to not at least try, tore apart Luke. He wanted as much of Ashton as he could get, and if this was the beginning and the end of that rope then so be it. He nodded his approval, not really needing to think it over anymore. This was what he wanted, at least in the moment.

“Yeah,” Luke concluded, sucking on his lip ring as his eyes scanned over Ashton.

The background of the bus was lost to Luke as he took in the sight of Ashton, his curls still a bit damp from his shower, his skin glowing in the light behind him coming in from the window. Every part of Luke was yearning for Ashton, newfound assurance that it was okay to reach out to him, had Luke grabbing for his hand, Ashton automatically entwining their fingers together. Their hands stayed hidden from the other players, tucked neatly under a discarded sweatshirt, their arrangement private; intimate.

*

Playoffs were quickly approaching, time slipping by easily in between wins, new moments shared between Luke and Ashton. They’d started off exploring each other slowly, the new realm they were in was intense, filled with something more than just benefits, though neither would admit it. Every touch held meaning, every kiss sent sensations to not only their lips but their hearts, all these undiscovered places opening up to them.

They’d become accustomed to routine, friends during the day, nothing but laughter and good times, teammates on the field, nothing but wins, helmet bumps, and ass slaps, ‘benefits’ coming after. They’d agreed that their friendship was more important than anything else, it was what bound them together, kept their chemistry on and off the field. Every boundary that came crashing down in their escapade had new feelings building, making it harder and harder for Luke to deny it to Ashton, and even harder to deny it to himself.

A week before the first playoff game Luke found himself curled up in his small dorm bed, Ashton wrapped around him, his breaths coming evenly through slumber. Luke wasn’t sure how friends with benefits usually worked, but this didn’t seem the right way to do it. He knew he was getting attached, and realized that was probably breaking one of the biggest unsaid rules in the new dynamic to their relationship. As Ashton shifted in his sleep, consequently pressing Luke closer to him, their bare chests pressed together, Luke found he didn’t care.

If there came a day where he couldn’t take it anymore, where he _needed_ to say something, he would. But wrapped up in Ashton’s arms, their shared body heat filling Luke with more than just physical warmth, he was content. He had all the positives that came with a relationship, the affection, the physical fulfillment, the easiness of friends, just not the commitment. Maybe that was all for the better though, Luke had never been committed, he’d never tried, the thought of committing wasn’t what scared him, but the loss was what shook him to his core.

In honesty, Luke was having fun with their arrangement, he was just scared for the day it would end, scared that Ashton may decide he liked someone else and commit to them. He knew he should have told Ashton these things, somewhere deep inside him he knew Ashton would put his doubts to bed, but there was also something inside him that wouldn’t let him. He didn’t understand what was going on inside, he just knew he liked the reactions he got on the outside.

His mind drifted, brought back to one of the first times they had fully explored each other, the locker room cleared out, Luke taking his sweet time in the shower. A knock had pulled his attention away from the soap he was about reach out for, Ashton’s voice calling out to him, Luke immediately answering back. The plastic curtain had been pulled, Luke’s eyes taking in the sight of Ashton, _only_ Ashton. It had been new and exciting, not exactly Luke’s first time doing something of the sort, but each touch brought a surge of exhilaration. Ashton had whispered some pretty corny words of “washing each other’s backs”, the two laughing about it for days after the fact.

Brought back to the darkness of the room surrounding him, to the rhythmic steadiness of Ashton’s breathing, Luke nuzzled further into Ashton. His nose pressed into Ashton’s neck, his long limbs curled around him, contorting himself to be as small as possible to share the tiny bed. Luke pressed a small kiss to the pulse point of Ashton’s neck, the older squirming slightly, pressing even more into Luke, before Luke fell into a content slumber.

*

The night of the first playoff game, Luke was absolutely restless; fidgeting when he sat down, pacing when he stood. The whole team was gathered in the locker room before the game, Coach Hanson prepping them up with a speech, the words flying over Luke’s head in his constant buzz. He couldn’t focus, he couldn’t even pinpoint exactly what he should be focusing on. He was amped, his nerves were on end, his whole body shaking in anticipation. This feeling, the one that came with playing and recognition of all their hard work, felt almost as good as what Ashton made him feel.

He sucked on his lip ring as he paced the locker room, the other players lost in their own nerves for the game as Coach wrapped up his speech. There were only a few minutes until they took the field, the crowd’s cheers uproarious and heard all the way from inside the locker room. By the time Coach was leading them out of the locker room Luke was beyond ready for the game to start.

They started out playing defense, Michael making amazing blocks, Calum cheering the loudest from the bleachers. There was a long drive, their opponents in the home territory, kicking it after fourth and ten. Luke took the field, his mind completely focused on the game, wanting to remember every little detail. He knew his parents would be watching on TV, his older brothers would call him later to hear every detail of it. He really wanted to soak up the atmosphere, not just the game details.

First down began, their strategy working tremendously, gaining them twenty five yards in their first go. The ball had been snapped off, Ashton faking a pass to Luke, the other team’s defenses crowding him, leaving an opening for Ashton to pass it off elsewhere, the other tight end running it up the field. They began another first down, switching tactics, Ashton immediately passing the ball off to Luke, he didn’t hesitate in running, his path clear. Just as he thought he was about to be taken down, he preserved, pushing past to the end zone, spiking the ball dramatically.

Ashton was at his side in an instant, their helmets bumping in celebration. Luke staring into Ashton’s eyes as they made their way off the field, to the benches. Once their helmets came off and the next play began, Luke took in all that was Ashton. His black eye chalk was smudged with sweat, his hair was disorderly from the helmet, his jersey rumpled. Something within Luke stirred, words forming on the tip of his tongue, his mind screaming at him to be silent. He talked himself down from stepping over the barrier, once the three little words were said, there’d be no going back.

For the moment, he had convinced himself it was all in his mind, just the game and the celebration getting to him. There was no other reason. He hadn’t been feeling those three little words all along. It was just the amazing play. It was just the atmosphere. He bit his tongue, blood from the unnecessary force of the action coating his mouth. He immediately stopped, took to his water bottle and washed the taste out. Ashton clapped a hand on Luke’s back, a broad smile dominating his features.

“That was great,” Ashton said his own three words.

Every fiber of Luke’s being had him fighting against replying with those unsaid feelings. He nodded his head, a forced smile of easiness on his face. Ashton didn’t need to know Luke was in an internal dilemma. Not when they had such an important game in front of them. It wasn’t easy to turn off the switch to those feelings, but somehow Luke managed for the rest of the game, with a mental promise that he would tell Ashton after. It made him feel better to know he wouldn’t have long to wait to do so, that was what kept his mind sharp throughout the game.

They’d won, and advanced to the next round of playoffs, Luke texting the update to his brothers on a group chat. They were excited for him, they were even planning on attending the final playoff game with their parents, making Luke nervous and excited all in the same breath. He was used to playing in front of his family, but nothing of this caliber. It was a bit daunting to think about, the pressure that much more intensified, not wanting to let his family down after they travelled to see him win. That would be his total shining moment. Just him and a win.

Luke reflected on the game in the locker room as he geared up mentally for the party. One of the line backers was having a party at his house off campus, Luke had already agreed to go, Ashton agreeing right after. Maybe it was a mistake in deciding to go, this would only postpone the talk he needed to have with Ashton, there was no way he would be able to do it with so many other people around. He was just delaying the inevitable, and he knew that, but wasn’t about to admit it to himself just yet, he was always postponing.

He entered the house, music bumping all around him, the dim lights casting shadows across the bodies packed onto the makeshift dance floor. A keg had been situated in the corner of the room, Luke’s team lacking judgement and succumbing to the alcohol, knowing it would wash away in their system before any sort of randomized testing happened. So long as the cops didn’t bust them, they would be okay, Luke figured. He hadn’t entered the party with Ashton, they’d gotten separated on the way over.

In his search for Ashton he bumped into Calum, using this as an excuse to delay, delay, delay. He immediately immersed himself in conversation with Calum, the older boy holding a red solo cup in his grasp, still mostly aware and alert.

“When did you and Michael get together?” Luke asked as vague as possible, he was side stepping around the real subject he wanted answers to.

“We’ve sort of been together since high school,” Calum answered. “I need another drink. Come with me?”

 Luke followed Calum back into the room with the supply of alcohol, he watched as Calum got two new cups and filled them up, offering one to Luke. Luke grabbed it and sipped at it tentatively at first, feeling he should pace himself and not go hog wild. Questions brought themselves up in his mind incessantly, and he figured since he had someone who seemed willing enough to share answers, he may as well use it to his advantage.

“Can I talk to you, about something, sort of personal?” Luke asked, teetering on his words, unsure if this was truly what he wanted to do.

He liked Calum, he thought the guy was nice enough, fun to be around, someone who listened and shared. He didn’t think whatever he might admit would make it back to anyone else, especially with the way Calum was pounding down the alcohol. Luke wanted to talk to him before he got too sloppy.

“Sure,” Calum said, his eyes widening at the implications, nodding his head vehemently as if to express his willingness even more with the motion.

“Somewhere… less crowded?” Luke suggested, while he trusted Calum with what he was about to say, he didn’t want anyone overhearing his words.

At Calum’s consent they took off down a hallway, opening a shut door to a bedroom, the lights off. Luke realized that probably meant they weren’t supposed to go in there, but he wouldn’t be long, nor messy. They took seats on the edge of the made bed, Calum concentrating on what was left in his cup, giving Luke time to collect his thoughts and form them into words.

“When was it that you and Michael, came out?”

Calum quirked his head knowingly, his eyes holding sympathy, “Last year, as freshmen, we figured it’d be easier to start off honestly.”

“And how did people take it?” Hidden meanings lay in the words. He specifically wanted to know, how the football team took it.

“Everyone that mattered, was supportive.”

The words were a breath of fresh air to Luke, who let out a held breath at the mention. He sort of knew that, he’d told his family, they were one hundred percent there for him, he’d told a select few friends back in high school, they didn’t seem to change their outlooks on him. Somehow though, when he entered college, he had the mentality that it was nobody’s business but his own. While that was true, it was also destroying him from the inside out. He _wanted_ to say it. He _needed_ to tell Ashton how he really felt.

“Cal?” Michael’s voice called from the hallway, the door cracking open, Michael peeking in through. “There you are!”

“Come in, come in,” Calum called back, moving over so there was room for Michael on the bed. Luke wasn’t sure what was happening, but he got the feeling he shouldn’t leave just yet. “I was just talking to Luke about you.”

“Only good things I hope,” Michael responded as he sat, instinctively wrapping an arm around his boyfriend.

“Just saying how we made ourselves known,” Calum replied.

Luke swallowed down a nervous lump as Michael looked at him inquisitively. It was as if Luke had opened himself up under a microscope, his fine print on display to the pale boy. Luke knew Michael was putting his pieces together, fight or flight took over Luke momentarily, but he pushed the reaction down with a deep breath.

“It’s worth it,” Michael said softly, as if encouragingly. “It’s hard at first, of course, but it only goes uphill from there. Trust me. I know a guy who tried to come out, after one negative reaction he convinced himself it wasn’t worth it. Now I’m pretty sure he’s in love with his best friend but doesn’t have the guts nor the experience to believe his best friend feels the same.”

Obliviously Luke took in the words at first, feeling bad for said friend, until something clicked within him. Maybe it was the way Michael was looking at him, as if he should already know what the words meant, maybe it was the way his heart beat faster at the notion. Were they truly that obvious with each other? Or had Ashton had much the same conversation with Michael about Luke that Luke had had with Calum?

“I think what Michael is trying to say is, if you have something to tell someone, you should do it sooner, rather than later,” Calum finished off, his eyes all knowing.

“I guess I better go find Ashton,” Luke mumbled amongst Michael and Calum’s wide smiles, and Michael’s small ‘whoop’ in celebration.

Luke set off to find Ashton, sipping at his beer to give himself a boost of courage, the liquid a great precursor to saying things that needed to be said. By the time he’d finally found Ashton, out on the deck surrounded by a few other football players, he was working on his second beer and had downed a couple of shots, all reason of pace thrown away. His footsteps were a bit unsteady, his vision just a touch out of focus as he made his way over, pulling at Ashton’s t shirt.

“Hey, Lukey!” Ashton laughed. “Where have you been?”

“I was talking with Calum,” Luke slightly slurred, paying extra focus to his words, knowing Ashton would write him off as drunk sooner or later. “But now I need to talk to you.”

Ashton giggled, and as if appeasing him followed Luke back into the secluded bedroom that Michael and Calum had previously vacated. Luke sent out a small thank you to them, knowing whatever was about to happen, was thanks to them. He sat Ashton down on the bed after closing the door and making sure to lock it, even his drunk mind extra cautious.

“There’s something I haven’t been totally honest with you about,” Luke started, sobering slightly at the seriousness of the conversation that was about to take place.

“Okay,” Ashton said, carefully, his tone guarded as if ready for a blow.

“I don’t want to be friends with benefits,” Luke started, Ashton’s eyes widening, taking in the blow. “I don’t want to be friends.”

“Wha-“ Ashton started but Luke cut him off, taking Ashton’s larger hand into his smaller one.

“I want to be more than that. I’m in love with you,” Luke finished, his eyes downcast through the slur of words.

“You’re drunk, Luke. You don’t mean that,” Ashton whispered, strain in his voice.

“I may be drunk, but I’m also honest.”

“You don’t know what you’re saying, it’s just the alcohol, you’re not really in love with me,” Ashton rationalized, a frenzy working its way into his words. “I should get you back to your dorm.”

Luke shook his head in refusal, needing Ashton to understand he was telling the truth. Even in his drunken state, he realized Ashton wasn’t going to believe him because he was drunk. Because he couldn’t believe him. He didn’t know somebody could truly love him that way, whatever had happened to him, had made him believe that. Luke eventually gave up, words slipping away from him as Ashton supported him and walked him out of the house, the cool air crisp in his lungs.

The walk to his dorm was short, the house just off campus. Ashton had kept a supportive arm wrapped around Luke’s waist, his feet only slightly fumbling as they entered the dorm building, Luke searching his pockets for his key to the door. He found it just as they walked up to the door, the key jingling in his grasp, he unlocked the door and stumbled his way in, Ashton’s support falling from him.

Luke found his way to the bed with only the hall light illuminating his path until Ashton flicked on the lights and strode over to the mini fridge. Luke immediately kicked off his shoes, a small huff escaping him, his drunk mind apparently very irritable. Ashton grabbed a water from the fridge, offering it to Luke with a serious look.

“Drink up,” Ashton said softly as he sat next to Luke.

Luke took the offered water with a look, the look speaking volumes as to what he was feeling. His face was contorted, his lips turned downwards in a disapproved smirk, his eyebrows arched as if in disbelief. He knew he was a mess right now. Inside and out. He drank the water, the coolness sliding down his throat a bit calming to the frustration that had worked its way into Luke from the turn of events.

“Alright, feel better now?” Ashton asked, a soothing hand rubbing circles into Luke’s back.

Luke wished Ashton would stop, the action really wasn’t helping put his feelings to rest. That was what he so loved about Ashton, the way he was there for everyone, how considerate he was. He was the best listener, the best shoulder to lean on, and the first person Luke wanted to tell good news to. Ashton had become his go to. It didn’t hurt that Luke found him extremely attractive, his laugh infectious, and his eyes dazzling. Everything about Ashton screamed _right_ to Luke.

Once Ashton was sure Luke had drank enough, he laid him back onto propped up pillows, and made himself comfortable on the arm chair Luke had for guests, content to sleep there all night. Luke wanted to tell Ashton to climb in with him but the words were swept away as he was dragged into the darkness that sleep provided. Before being totally in the realm of sleep, Luke heard the whispered words Ashton probably didn’t mean for him to hear.

“I want to believe you, Luke. I really do.”

Come morning time, Luke wouldn’t remember them anyway.

*

The morning after the party, Luke had woke to the absence of Ashton, only a note scrawled out onto a scrap paper and Tylenol laid on his night stand proving he was ever there at all. Luke rubbed the sleep from his eyes, shifting so he could sit up in bed, the mound of pillows he’d passed out on falling behind him. He reached for the note, his hazy mind trying to make sense of the words so sloppily written out.

_Had to take a call, if you wake up before I’m back, take the Tylenol and drink more water._

At first Luke didn’t understand why he would do that, but then a piercing pain shot through his temple, the after effects of the alcohol buzzing. He swigged at the water after placing the medicine in his mouth, needing enough to wash them down. He fell back, closing his eyes, needing the bright light to be dulled. The only upside Luke could find to the note was that Ashton planned on coming back, maybe then Luke could try to talk to him, soberly of course. But when the door creaked and Luke opened his eyes to Ashton stepping through, his mouth went dry and his heart thudded.

“You feeling okay?” Ashton asked tentatively, taking tiny steps into the room.

“I’m fine,” Luke answered.

Ashton nodded, something in his expression conveying an emotion Luke couldn’t quite decipher. After a moment of nothing but eye contact and silence Ashton nodded again, taking a step backwards.

“I’ll just leave you to rest then.”

Luke didn’t bother calling out for Ashton to come back as he shut the door, he realized he needed some time to collect his thoughts, and for the headache to go away. He was going to tackle his problems one by one. Lost words from last night tried to find their way back into Luke’s mind, Ashton’s soft whisper echoing around his thoughts. He couldn’t manage to put the words together, he couldn’t even remember if these unknown words had been truly said. He fell back into his pillows once more, closing his eyes, resting until his alarm for class startled him.

He made his way through the week sluggishly, the confession weighing him down. Ashton seemed to think Luke didn’t remember his confession, the alcohol blurring it out for him, but Luke remembered it in spades. Ashton had gone on as if nothing had changed between them, being friends during the day and teammates on the field, the only missing dynamic being the benefits. Ashton may have thought Luke was only professing his love for him from the alcohol but that didn’t stop him from cutting off the more intimate ties they had.

Luke felt as if Ashton blamed himself for what had transpired, even though Luke felt he was the only one to blame. He’d gone in way over his head, he didn’t know how to resurface with the emotions and feelings pulling him down so relentlessly. He knew he had to bury them, for the sake of the team, for the championship that was so closely approaching. He had no choice. So he bit his tongue and compressed those feelings- at least up until game day.

His family wasn’t able to make it to the game, which definitely left a damper on his mood, reflecting in his plays. His mother had another family emergency to attend to- some distant relative in crisis. His father had planned on going, up until the airlines had claimed the weather wasn’t suitable for flying. His brothers had backed out at the last minute, pervious and forgotten engagements springing up around them. Luke wasn’t mad- a bit disappointed- but not mad. His family promised to skype him after the game and catch the highlights online.

The cheers of the crowd were astronomical compared to that of a regular game, this was make it or break it time. The air was thick and cold around Luke, seeping in through the face mask on his helmet, chilled air mixing with the sweat running down his cheeks. It didn’t take long for Luke to put in a strenuous amount of effort, after all they were up against the other best team in the collegiate league. He and Ashton were a bit fumbly for the first quarter of the game, some passes being thrown a bit off course, others falling from Luke’s grasp.

Luke had a feeling this had a lot to do with their relationship off the field, they after all were just as fumbly at that. Luke wouldn’t go so far as to say their relationship was in detriment, it was just a bit shaky if anything. They were always going to be friends, Luke could assure himself of that, he’d never give up on that aspect, but as for more than friends, Luke couldn’t say. He thought maybe their benefits had run cold.

They hung on by the skin of their teeth up until the third quarter start, the ball handed off to them. They were behind by a touchdown and field goal, Luke knew they could come back easily. He just needed to get his brain back in the zone, remember Ashton’s movements, the calculated and precise way of his throwing, their plays running through his mind rampantly.

They in fact did bounce back through the second half, winning the game by three, the other players absolutely buzzing, Coach even gracing them with the most genuine smile he could muster. They’d gathered in the locker room for one last speech from Coach, his words reaching each player on a different level. He spoke of courageousness, the willingness to try new things, team work, and the bond they all shared after such a long and trying season. He mentioned that this would be a time in their lives they would never forget. They needed to hold on to the memories after college, no matter what happened, or where life may take them.

The words were still resonating in Luke as he was getting ready to exit, dead tired on his feet, his athletic bag all packed up. He’d spared time in the shower, just wanting to get back to his dorm to sleep, his eyelids heavy with exhaustion, which was weird, usually after a game he was pumped up. He knew there would be a party somewhere off campus tonight, but with the way things were in his personal life at the moment, he wasn’t too sure he wanted to go.

As he came to the alcove where the door lay to exit, Ashton caught up to him, his familiar hand a weight on Luke’s shoulder. Luke stopped short, not expecting the older boy to reach out to him. But he had, and, despite Luke’s better judgement, he wanted to know why.

“Can we talk?” Ashton asked, tone serious, eyes holding more questions than statements.

“Of course,” Luke found himself replying instantaneously.

The hand on his shoulder led him out of the locker room, the door swinging shut with finality. They walked a bit away from the onlookers and wandering ears. They came to a bend on the campus, a small bench sat in the piling snow, dusted lightly with white. Ashton brushed off the seats, his coat sleeve covering his hand as he did so. They sat after, looking at each other without words. There were so many things Luke wanted to say to Ashton; apologize for springing his feelings on him so drunkenly, apologize for jumping in head first when he didn’t know how to swim.

Before any apologies could come out of Luke, Ashton was saying the words Luke thought he needed to say, “I just want to say I’m sorry.”

Luke was confused, the arch of his eyebrow inquisitive, Ashton noting that the blond didn’t know why, “For what?”

“For the radio silence on all fronts beneficial. For not knowing how to respond. For not believing you.”

Luke tilted his head in understanding. So Ashton did know Luke remembered the confession. For a split second he wondered why he would have stayed so silent about it, but then realized, Ashton had just said he didn’t know what to say. Luke could understand that. It probably came as a huge surprise to Ashton, hearing his drunken glorified sex buddy professing his love for him. There really was no lead up to the confession either, Luke not one for subtlety. To him, things had always been all or nothing. Maybe that was why he’d jumped into the friends with benefits zone in the first place, he figured. For the longest time, he didn’t understand why he’d done it, other than the simple want of Ashton.

“So, do you believe me now?” Luke asked, his frozen fingers fidgeting with nerves, the movement doing nothing to warm the cold digits.

“I want to, with everything in me, I want to believe you. Because I think I might feel the same way. But it’s hard to know how to trust after the past couple of years,” Ashton explained, desperation and raw honesty coating the words whiter than the snow around them.

“Michael said something-“

“Of course he did,” Ashton cut off Luke, shaking his head back and forth, a dry and meaningless chuckle escaping him. “I bet he was trying to play match maker wasn’t he?”

Luke nodded, the descriptor pretty accurate to the pair of Calum and Michael. The two had been relentlessly bugging Luke about Ashton over the course of the week. Begging for updates, wondering why there was such a lack of updates. They’d agonized theories over Ashton’s reaction, trying their best to offer comfort to Luke. They’d failed, but he appreciated their efforts. Over the past week, Luke felt closer to them than ever. Calum wasn’t just another friend to Luke anymore, he’d quickly become a confidant, Michael wasn’t just another football player, he’d been playing double agent lately.

“That sounds like him. Ever since high school when I came out to him, he’d been pushing me to try and date. I wasn’t ready though,” Ashton started, he looked down for a moment and took a deep breath. “Can I tell you something rather personal?”

“Of course,” Luke responded immediately. There was no denying the request Ashton had made, not with the way his eyes were downcast, or how his hands had furled into tiny balls, using his coat sleeves to protect from the cold.

“When I was a freshman and rushing that god forsaken frat, not listening to Michael’s incessant warnings, I came out to somebody, and it didn’t go well, not in the slightest. The other members, they weren’t as accepting as the team, they used every excuse of hazing to get to me. I eventually dropped out of the frat. It was traumatizing, so I shut the door on my outing, had Michael help me put up barriers.”

Luke understood that first meeting with Michael suddenly, how he was so deliberate with his words, trying to paint Ashton in the color he wanted. All per Ashton’s request of course. Still, Luke didn’t quite understand it all, so he continued to listen, trying to keep an open mind and not overflow with questions to suddenly.

“Ever since I met you though, those barriers have been crashing down around me. It was hard to trust anybody at first, but with you it was so easy. It seemed so normal. And then we weren’t just friends anymore. It was totally and completely different to anything I’d ever experienced, it was wonderful and amazing, but if I could go back with the knowledge of now, and do it differently, I would.”

“What would you do differently?” Luke asked, unsure he was prepared for Ashton’s answer.

Luke’s heart was in Ashton’s hand right now, beating and bleeding with hope. These next few words from Ashton could crush his heart into a million tiny pieces, scattering in with the snow.

“I wouldn’t be your friend. Not _just_ your friend I mean. I would have told you the truth from the beginning and hopefully, we could have gone from there. Maybe- I don’t know- worked our way into things. Done things the right way. Maybe there is no right way, I don’t know, maybe-“

“It’s okay Ashton,” Luke broke in, noticing how worked up Ashton was making himself.

The words weren’t _exactly_ what Luke wanted to hear, no mention of ‘I love you’ in there anywhere, but they did a lot to calm the anxiety trying to intrude its way into Luke. Just knowing that Ashton would’ve wanted to be more than friends, to go about it the _right_ way, made Luke’s heart swell. In that moment, he knew his heart was in good hands.

“It’s not okay. I wish we could start over. Not totally over. I wouldn’t want to erase the amazing friendship we’ve built.”

“Where would you like to start?” Luke asked, at this point, he was willing to start at the end of the world for Ashton.

“I don’t know,” Ashton replied, almost helplessly.

Luke took it in, thought it over, really and truly let himself wander the scope he’d been placed under. Here was this amazing guy, pouring his heart out to Luke, and he didn’t know what to say. Suddenly, he truly understood the predicament he’d put Ashton in, not only that, but Luke had admittedly been drunk, probably making it worse.

“Why don’t you take some time, and figure it out?” Luke suggested, not wanting to force Ashton into making decisions on the spot.

Luke knew what he wanted; Ashton. He was willing to wait to know that he was what Ashton absolutely one hundred percent without a doubt wanted as well. Ashton nodded in agreement, his hand unfurling from the confines of his sleeve, reaching out slowly to Luke’s, brushing softly over his knuckles.

“Thank you.”

*

Not a week had gone by before there was a knock on Luke’s dorm door. He closed his text book, finding that with the end of the season, came lack of excuses for not studying. Not that he had ever lacked in his grades, but now, he was actually able to fully understand everything. He went to the door, hoping for Ashton, but expecting Calum or Michael, they’d made it abundantly clear they were not going to leave him alone just because the season was over.

When he opened the door, his jaw hit the floor among his giggles. On the other side of the door, Ashton was blushing and giggling along with him, his hands behind his back. He’d gotten a haircut since the last time Luke saw him, his curls now swept back and a bit tamer. As shocking as the haircut had been, what was more surprising was what Ashton was wearing. Skinny jeans- of course- and on top of that, a form fitting t shirt with Luke’s jersey number so proudly displayed on the front.

“I know what I want,” Ashton proclaimed, his smile widening with each word, stretching to impossible lengths, his dimples deepening. “And I know where to start.”

 Luke pulled Ashton into the dorm room with a tug of his shirt, closing the door softly behind him. They were pressed close together, backed against the door, smirks on both of their faces, unsaid words on the tips of their tongues, their mouths colliding together without any prompting.

To reiterate the things that didn’t need to be said, Ashton pulled away minutely, their lips still brushing against each other as Ashton whispered, “I love you.”

Luke grinned into the ever heating kiss, his hands on the door, consequently pinning Ashton in place. Ashton’s legs wrapped around Luke’s waist, Luke’s hands finding their way to Ashton’s thighs for support. Luke fumbled his way over to the bed, dropping Ashton on it, scattered study materials falling to the floor. Almost immediately Luke was on top of Ashton, their bodies connecting, wondrous feelings stirring inside Luke.

Their bodies pressed closer together, desired friction coming in small doses, Ashton’s hips bucking up, Luke grinding down to meet him. They’d quickly discarded their jeans and shirts, Ashton’s tactic of sentiment falling to the floor, the only barrier between them now their boxers. Luke’s lips wandered from Ashton’s mouth, down to his neck; kissing, sucking, biting at his sweet spot, bruising his presence into his tan skin.

Ashton’s hands were roaming Luke, trailing up and down his back, moans slipping out of him as Luke continued to trail his mouth along Ashton, reaching his neck, shoulders, back up to his mouth to stifle his moans. This was pure ecstasy for Luke, the sensations and the reciprocated feelings having him groaning in pleasure as he worked his way out of his boxers, only breaking contact long enough to do so. Ashton was next in discarding the useless piece of clothing, their bodies now having no barriers, connecting as one, working with each other until they both reached their climax.

*

Luke sighed in content as he rolled over, his glistening skin caught in the sheets on his bed. Ashton was tucked neatly into his side, his curls matted with sweat, Luke grinned, proud of his feat. Ashton looked up lazily at him, his droopy hazel eyes making Luke want to audibly “aw”, but he held it inside as Ashton yawned.

Tiredly Ashton murmured, “I really do love you, Luke.”

“I love you, Ashton.”

*

Luke cheered from his luxury box at the Super Bowl, Ashton and Michael on the field below him. Calum was by his side, being embarrassingly loud with cheers every time his husband was on the field. Luke was so proud of Ashton, all he had accomplished within the last five years tremendous. Luke had fallen to injury during his college career, ending it early, pursuing his fall back plan of teaching. Ashton had been drafted out of his senior year of college, they’d made it work long distance for a year, before Luke transferred schools to be closer to Ashton’s home base.

Now, both graduated and pursing their own dreams, they’d built a home together. In retrospect, Luke wouldn’t have it any other way. How his students faces lit up when he said he knew the famous football player, Ashton Irwin, was priceless. He loved his job, and he loved his students, but he loved Ashton even more. He wouldn’t have traded his life for the world.

It was the last few seconds of the Super Bowl, Ashton’s team’s score was up, it was indefinitely going to be their win, and Ashton’s first Super Bowl ring. There was already talks that he was going to be voted the MVP of the game. In almost the blink of an eye, the game was over, nothing but fireworks and celebration around Luke. He and Calum shared a victory hug, their screams not able to be contained, their pride not hidden as they rushed to meet with their respective partners.

Everybody seemed to want to interview Ashton, Ashton keeping Luke tucked into his side, content to share the dream moment with him. When Ashton finally accepted an interview and the interviewer asked one of the most infamous questions in football history, “Now that you’ve won the Super Bowl, what are you going to do?” Ashton didn’t hesitate in replying.

“I’m going to marry my fiancé.”

Luke’s heart glowed, the simple ring on his finger suddenly heavier as he wrapped his hand around Ashton’s. Ashton beamed up at him, Luke glowing right back, the crowd and the celebration lost to them as they dreamed of the not so far away day they would say, “I do”.

**Author's Note:**

> Ahhh! I'd love to hear feedback on this, tell me your thoughts!  
> [Tumblr!](lashtonsillusion.tumblr.com)


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